Well my good friend ColbyDog has been rooting around the storage vault at Daily Kos or Democrat Underground and discovered some new conspiracy theories. While these theories are certainly imaginative and, as with all conspiracy theories, contain a tiny, tiny, almost sub-atomic partical of truth, I think that it is time to once again address the whole subject of conspiracy theories.
First off, by the time any conspiracy theory be it left wing or right wing makes it to Milwaukee, likely it has been around the movers and shakers for, in many cases years. Many of the conspiracy theories about Bush and Cheney are simply a reconstruction and updating of the same theories that were spread about Nixon and Johnson and Kennedy before them. The stories about how the oil companies are taking over the world are the same stories that were spread about the steel companies in the Gilded Age. Johnson colluded with the defense contractors during the Vietnam War. Did you know that? The only reason that we were there is because they were paying off Johnson to keep the war going. The oil companies were constantly buying up patents for carburators that would let cars get 150 mph. I don’t know how many hundreds of those carburators were purchased. But since I first heard that one in about 1965, there must be a warehouse filled with advanced technology carburators. No matter how ColbyDog or anyone else tries to dress up the newest pig, anyone who has been reasonably aware of current events for the last 30 years can tell you that, at the core, the conspiracy theory about carburators is nothing new. In fact, I wonder why Michael Moore hasn’t done a movie searching out the warehouse wher all of those highly fuel efficient cars and car parts are stored?
Then there is the matter that if ColbyDog is reading about that conspiracy theory on DailyKos, then obviously the conspiracy is shattered already. All of these conspiracies require that something be done unawares by the general public. Certainly the law enforcement authorities must be kept out of the loop of what is being done by the conspirators. And above all the people who could bring discredit upon the miscreants perpetrating the conspiracy must never hear of it. Yet, we are breathlessly given this information as if it is a big discovery. So, congressional investigators, the FBI, the public advocacy watchdog groups DON’T read DailyKos or Democrat Underground? Well, I’m writing a letter to my congressman and all of those watchdog groups to advise them that there is this huge treasuretrove of information about heinous illegal activity of the Bush and Cheney administration.
Which brings me to another point, and it is the one that galls me the most: When we are advised of these terrible, terrible, incredibly illegal activities by our president and by corporations that are in cahoots, none of these conspiracy theories ever tell us what we are supposed to do with this information. Indeed, none of them ever say what anyone is going to do about it. When presented with a conspiracy theory, my first two questions are: “What is being done about this?” and “What do you want me to do about it?” Now think about this: We are constantly harrangued by news media and pundits that we are living in the most terribly partisan era in our nation’s history (a blatant misperception as any history student can tell you). Yet, armed with incontrovertible evidence presented in the latest conspiracy theory involving Bush and Cheney, don’t you think that Henry Waxman would be salivating buckets of spittle eagerly waiting to haul a Bush/Cheney victim in front of his House Governmental Reform Committee and berate that victim for hours? Don’t you think that Pelosi and Reid, who have been scolded by their own party for their ienptitude at opposing Bush and Cheney would love to take the information in the latest conspiracy theory and just destroy the Republican Party with it? Since we are told how the president and his henchmen are systematically destroying out constitutional rights (oddly with the exception of the 2nd Amendment which the conspiracy theorists never seem to mind) then why isn’t Sen. Robert Byrd the self-imposed conscious of the Senate, the man who so loves the Constitution that he carries a copy in his pocket and reads it daily, why isn’t he on the floor of the Senate railing at the constitutional misbehavior of the president? Why isn’t Sen. Byrd on the Sunday morning talkshows railing against the violations? Indeed, since most of these conspiracy theories involve at the very least violations of ethical rules and more commonly involve outright illegal activity, wouldn’t you think that Common Cause, Public Citizen, and the myriad of other groups of lawyers itching to sue to make a buck would be hard at work filing lawsuits? And where are the criminal complaints that the countless Democrat state attorneys general and left-leaning members of the DOJ are ethically bound to investigate if not file? But nothing ever comes of these conspiracy theories. Indeed, one would think that Hillary of all people would be screeching out at least one or two of these theories during a campaign speech. But even Hillary, so well known to the demon of revenge, has not so much as screeched a peep about any of them even though she is in a very tight race where if she gained the favor of the Democrat nutroots could pull off the nomination. Al Gore, a man with a deep and very long-term hatred of all things Bush for how they denied him the presidency that he thought was owed him, never even refers to any one of these theories.
My personal take is that the Democrats are in on all of these conspiracy theories as well. Every single conspiracy theory out there that involves the Bush Administration apparently also involves the upper-most eschelons of the Democrat Party. They gotta be in on it–they never talk about any of these conspiracies. Odd, from what ColbyDog posts and what is written on the DU and DK, you’d think that that Dems were angelic. But I know differently!! J’accuse!!!!
Seriously, here is some of my analysis on conspiracy theories. And let me say that I’m no expert, I’m just experienced by having lived long enough to see these things recycle. First off, all of these conspiracy theories appeal to our egos. We love to see the high and mighty fall into the same sort of trap that we ourselves would be prone to falling into. Who doesn’t like to see a president knocked down a peg or two? Who doesn’t love to hear how some big time celeb got nailed for drunken driving, or was involved in some nasty personal peccadillo? Same thing with most of these conspiracy theories. I think that Bush probably gets more than his share spread about him because of the way that he won the 2000 election. Anything that can even remotely cast the appearance of impropriety is disseminated in order that some folks can say “See??? See???” just like we’d say about the guy we never thought was good enough to beat us out of the starting line-up in high school football. (A little of my personal experience showing there.)
Second, they make the complex simple. A while back there was a conspiracy theory about Bush signing some executive order that on the face of it was right out of a James Bond movie. But a little snooping on the internet showed that the fact is that due to a quirk in the law that is easier to follow than change, every president since (IIRC) Truman has signed this very same executive order so that the government could continue conducting IIRC, clandestine operations. Ever see the entire IRS code? I had one opportunity to see the thing on a bookshelf once. Make that several book shelves. Make that a lot of bookshelves. It is staggeringly huge and, by the IRS’s own admission, impossible for anyone to comprehend. That explains why you have so many theories about how the Kennedy’s circumvent the tax laws. No doubt that they do. In fact, you and I probably do as well and no one knows that they do it or even could know. It is that way with laws governing foreign policy, trade practices, and especially espionage. Everyday it is in session Congress adds to the staggering volume of law in this country. Every day courts write opinions adding to and amending laws. Adn then there are laws and regulations that must, by the nature of what they cover, remain clouded in secrecy. In fact, I would venture to say that if you tried to inform the average citizen of what is in our espionage laws that they would empty their bladder in short order. There is stuff that has to be in there and has to remain secret so that we can continue to collect information from friends and enemies and, to be sure, prevent information from being collected about us. This is fertile ground of the imaginative mind of the conspiracy buff who is given just a peek at some of these regulations, or is told that he has been given a peek at them. Either way the conspiracy buff sees enough to let his mind create another conspiracy. One thing that we will probably never hear about is a conspiracy about what is actually in the IRS code. Hey colbyDog, there’s a challenge. Gin up a conspiracy of how the Bush/Cheney cabal is cheating the tax code. No one will EVER be able to prove that one wrong! 
Third, the hallmark about so many of these theories is that they don’t have a deadline. You never, or very rarely ever, read a DU or Daily Kos conspiracy theory that says that by December 15 Cheney is going to sneak into everyone’s house and steal their first male born. There is rarely any date-certain time frame ever divulged. The event at the heart of the conspiracy theory happened at some vague point in the past. The effects of the event won’t be known until some vague point in the future. There is always just enough information to make the point intended, but never enough information to validate the event. When pressed, the person disseminating the conspiracy theory will tell you: “Just wait, it’s gonna happen, and then you’ll be sorry. It will be too late.” Frankly, I’ve been waiting on some of these theories for 35 years now. I’m assuming that they will devastate my life any day now.
Fourth, they never tell you what you are supposed to do about this crucial, secret information that the person just happened to come upon. Am I supposed to write my congressman. No! He’s in on it too! He’ll find out that you are in on it and the IRS will audit you. Well, I’ll drop by the US Attorney and swear out a complaint. No! They’re in on it too! How about I call my buddy at the newspaper! No! They’re in on it too! So, what am I supposed to do about this? I don’t know! There’s nothing that you can do about it! Well, in that case I’m not going to worry about it and I’ll just continue with my life.
Fifth, and this is the one that actually gets my goat a bit: If you don’t get all excited about this latest conspiracy theory, then you are not as smart as the person proffering the conspiracy theory. The next time that someone starts telling you that Nancy Pelosi is secretly in cahoots with members of the Aryan Brotherhood and you tell them that is hogwash, watch how your intellect suddenly becomes suspect. ”You just don’t understand! You’re just willingly ignorant! If you were as smart (or well-informed) as me, then you would get it. But you are just too stupid to comprehend the imminent danger!” Back during the days of the Carter Administration the father of a good friend of mine was big in the John Birch Society. Well, this guy checked under his bed every night of the week just in case a commie or whatever was hiding there. I’m sure that he figured that the government, or the Tri-Lateral Commission, or the Council on Foreign Relations, or the Masonic Lodge down the street were bugging his house. Everytime I was at there house I got loaded up with all of the latest conspiracies. (Many of those conspiracies are the same ones being reincarnated today by the Daily Kos and Democrat Underground folks.) Being a constant skeptic myself, as soon as I asked questions I’d get unloaded on for being ignorant of the basic facts that were right in front of me. You see, my buddy’s dad was a lumber sales man and a darn good one at that. But, according to his son, was never considered the brightest bulb in the chandelier by members of his family. Therefore, having this secret knowledge of these terrible conspiracies made him “smarter” than those around him. It gave him the ability to scorn the intellect of those who disagreed because he was able to take very complex matters and distill them down to simple conspiracies. The guy also had a bad temper, especially when he was drunk, which was nearly every night of the week. I learned early on, and I’ve pretty much stayed the course, that if it made the guy feel good by calling me ignorant of the basic facts at least he wasn’t screaming at me and beating up his son–my friend.
Look, I’m willing to admit that some of these conspiracy theories do end up coming true. Often when they come true it is in a far less spectacular fashion than the disseminators of them said that they would. Many times the veracity of the conspiracy just ended up being another hum-drum part of how a crazy world spins on its annual trip around the sun. Sometimes we find out that what scholars were certain was a part of a mass conspiracy ended up just being a strange set of coincidental events. During the golden age of newspapers back in the 20’s and 30’s when cities such as New York and Chicago had more newspapers than you could shake stick at, they had reporters who did nothing but track down conspiracy theories. Those guys were considered to have some of the most entertaining work in newspapering. But rarely did the conspiracies that they investigate come true.
And that is how I look at most of them now. They are entertaining. When the test of time is applied to them and they fade from view, at least we can look back at them and laugh and look forward to the day when they return with different names and events.
